Good and Numb
Post a responseMy brother, the youngest in the family, is a research oncologist. He is on the leading edge of breast cancer research, specializing in pharmacogenetics and genomics.
Whatever that means.
I’ve asked him, “Have you ever had to tell a patient that her test results are positive and that the outcome doesn’t look good.”
He looked at me strangely, “How about almost once a day. Most people I see are in the later stages of cancer.”
I’ve also asked him, “How do you do it? How do you not become cynical amid all the suffering?”
He replied, “The danger is not cynicism. The danger is numbness. And I’m trying to figure that out.”
There’s the feeling of numbness and then there’s the state of numbness. Being numb.
That may be one of the great dangers of the good life. We work so hard to build a safe, secure life, but in so doing, we grow numb to the suffering around us. It’s strange, really. My brother grows numb being around suffering all the time, and I grow numb to suffering by, essentially, avoiding it.
The railroad tracks of the thicker, deeper life in Christ run down the middle of the suffering of this world. To enjoy fully the gifts of this life includes experiencing the darkness of those around us. Martin Luther, the cranky monk from the 16th century, talked about becoming sin with and sin for one’s neighbor.
I’d like to know how you work at not becoming numb. Please post your comments.
March 10th, 2006 at 1:14 pm
Best I can figure is that I tend to dip in and out of it instead of allowing myself to constantly feel the need to “deal with it.”
I have areas of my life where I allow myself to attempt to feel the pain others are feeling in their suffering. I’m not all that great at it, but I want to feel more of my brothers’ and sisters’ pain in the persecuted church worldwide. I read book about and by those who has seen and have experienced personal persecution for the sake of the name of Jesus.
I also do my best to suffer along with my family members, and with my fiance’. Whatever they are suffering with, I want them to know that I’m willing to bear as much of the burden I’m able to bear.
I also tend to stop and lift up prayers when I listen to the news. It’s been a few years now that I’ve “prayed the news.” But, it helps me not stay completely numb to the suffering of complete strangers. I do the same when a police car, ambulance, and/or fire truck come racing past me. I pray for safety and wisdom for everyone involved.
But, I don’t feel as if I do all that I’m supposed to do when it comes to bearing others’ burdens. There is so much suffering, and I know I don’t consider it enough. I hope to get better at this sooner than later. Especially for my bride-to-be. She will need me to lead us in this element of the Christian life. But, perhaps she will end-up leading me.
Thanks for bringing up this discussion.
March 10th, 2006 at 2:04 pm
I know sometimes I avoid the pain of those around me by offering help. Yes, help can be a wonderful thing for those that are suffering. However, we busy ourselves around the wounded and never really stop to see them, listen to them or simply look them in the eyes and cry with them. Once again is the need to be still, to be quiet, slow and without an agenda. That is so much against my grain! Being still, quiet and without a list of things to do is not the norm in our culture.
March 10th, 2006 at 3:21 pm
There’s also a numbness that is protective and just as soul-destroying if it’s not healed.
Growing up as the child of alcholic parents, numbness was a defensive strategy. If I didn’t want anything, it wouldn’t hurt when it was taken away. If I didn’t have ambition, it wouldn’t hurt if my plans were killed. If I didn’t have desires, it wouldn’t hurt if I was denied. If I didn’t presume, it wouldn’t hurt to be humbled.
After a steady diet of random emotional chaos in an alcoholic home, I found myself strangely unable to react with positive emotions like joy or happiness. There was simply too much risk.
But four things have happened to help bridge the divide between my heart and my soul.
1) I found hope in Christ through the healing he brought my heart in salvation. Note, this isn’t a miraculous once-and-for all instantaneous healing. It’s a healing by faith that takes time to work out.
2) I recognized that what I spent my time thinking about was emotionally significant for me, even if I didn’t have an emotional response to it. Knowing that, and being able to monitor my thought-habits, has helped keep me out of trouble since then.
3) I made a commitment and got married. The freely given love and commitment of a generous spouse penetrate my cloud-darkened heart of numbness, second only to …
4) I had children. Nothing opens up the deep emotional reservoirs like children do, to me anyhow.
All of this is part of become less self-centered and more other-centered. The ultimate other-centeredness is to focus on God, as Christ did, who spoke nothing and did nothing except that the Father did it first. The Holy Spirit helps us in this, if we allow him (point 1). And contemplation and the spiritual disciplines help us in this (point 2). And marriage and family, if approached properly, also help us (points 3 & 4).
Unfortunately, salvation doesn’t guarantee selflessness, and the spiritual disciplines only return and amplify what you put into them, and how many selfish parents do you know? Marriage and parenthood also are no panacea.
So, underlying all this, I’d have the say the number zero (0) item on my list would have to be: You have to at least want to have the passion, to experience the feelings. And barring that, you have to at least want to want to have this.
Without the eye-opening desire for what one does not have, there cannot be a first step.
Regards,
Rich
BlogRodent
March 10th, 2006 at 3:50 pm
Interesting question, Dave. For me as a parent, I think about the question of how can I teach empathy to my children. I think the only way to do it is to practice it. You practice getting into someone else’s shoes. You think about what life is like from their perspective. You spend time asking questions and understanding what life is like for them, what life is like looking through their eyes. If you begin to understand someone’s history, what makes them tick, what gets them excited, what makes them angry and hurt, you begin to feel and the numb begins to go away. You become proficient at empathy and you keep becoming more proficient at empathy.
To me, it is a life-transforming practice, something that changes your relationships and changes the people and community around you. If you can know what it is to walk in someone else’s shoes, that is huge.
March 12th, 2006 at 6:14 am
I made a decision to really and truly follow the cross when I was 19 years of age. Around that time I knew the Lord was directing me to marry a certain individual that I have never once doubted was my destiny. For 21 years I was married to an unfaithful, immoral, drinking, drug addicted, drug dealing violent gangster and very early in my marriage I learned to cry out to and stay close to God. My life and the lives of my 3 children depended on it. I’ve never had the luxury of worrying about where I would spend our holidays each year, or how to redecorate my home, whether or not I had RRSP’s properly planned for, etc.etc. etc. survival was #1 on the list and obedience to Christ, along with providing the most peaceful, loving atmosphere I possibley could for my children. I have been subjected to and survived constant threats of violence, poverty, and starvation, and when recently released by the Lord from this marriage a contract on my life that was put out on me because of what I knew. I do not, and cannot relate to North American Christianity and honestly feel that the majority of persons that claim to know Him in this country (Canada at least) live very superficial lives. I’ve lived a large portion of my life without a lot of overly emotional feelings and have tried to the best of my ability to love, give, and care for others from conviction and faith. I do not believe you have to have feelings or emotions in order to be effective, it is always a choice to be joyful, and/or positive amidst every and any circumstance. In most other countries Christians suffer far, far more than we do and are, and have been martryed in very large numbers for their faith and our struggles pale by comparison.
March 14th, 2006 at 12:33 pm
BEAUTIFUL BROKENESS
For years I viewed suffering as something strictly negative. I found only pain, sorrow, grief, and despair in it. I still find those things amidst suffering today but when I abide in Christ, pain, loss, and brokeness turn to something good: wisdom. Suffering can bring about wisdom if we find out what is on Jesus’ heart then do whatever needs to be done when and how he says too. As we die to self and become sick of ourselves the Holy Spirit is able to work in us. I still find negativity creeping in sometimes. When I choose to abide in Christ he helps my heart to see things His way. Which is totally opposite of how the world sees things. I’m reminded of the hymn “Whate’er my God ordains is right: his holy will abideth”
Here are a few more things that have helped me in my faith walk. As I’ve been pondering this question in my heart these past few days I found these words in my prayer journal: I aksed God to take away my pain, God said, no. It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up. I asked God to spare me pain, God said, no suffering draws you apart from wordly cares and brings you closer to me.
This concept is very foreign in our world: It’s a privelege to suffer for Christ. I still stumble though but I think God is pleased with my desire even if I stumble. We don’t like to suffer or see others suffer. When we take our eyes off ourselves and put on “God goggles” our entire perspective changes. I experience tremendous growth during suffering. Just as Jesus suffered unjust suffering so will we .
One last quick thought: the intimacy with God we all crave comes to us most tangibly in the midst of suffering. In our suffering we can receive a very intimate , close glimpse of Christ (what a great gift) if we are open, willing and have a desire to do so, Just ask…..
So dear brothers and sisters in Christ I pray that your suffering will produce wisdom for your journey and peace in your heart.
March 15th, 2006 at 5:50 pm
I would never accuse Jesus of being numb, but some events obviously moved him more than others. Therefore, I have a sense that is normative for all of us.
I wouldn’t be surprised if there weren’t at least some cases for your brother that moved him more than others, and we should give ourselves permission to do so.
There’s always the give and take of feeling the pain and not letting it overwhelm you, even to the point of numbness. While a chaplain at a large teaching hospital, I had to deal with some of the similar things as your brother.
One night I had to handle three tragedies at a single time: A woman had drank Drano and was dying as it went through her body (fortunately she was unconscious), the death on the operating table of a 14-year-old female gangbanger from a stabbing. Her brothers were ready to seek revenge as their mother begged them not to. Then there was the fire that killed several family members including two children.
I came home a wreck, not knowing what to feel, but when I turned on the TV while Gloria Copeland saying bad things happen to you because you don’t have enough faith, I about lost it. Nearly threw a heavy object at the TV.
I remember driving home another night after a busy all-nighter and passing by another hospital and trying to put events in perspective. There were people getting bad news and dying in that hospital everyday, too. That helped me to deal with other tragedies but still without going numb. I could never survive if I always felt like I did when I nearly destroyed a TV.
As a newspaper reporter who often covered police, I saw a lot of tragedy as well. Sometimes you develop a gallows humor, not to belittle, but it seemed the only way to admit that the situation was tragic and yet maintain your sanity.
Grace and peace
March 24th, 2006 at 11:39 am
Here’s a question we can each ask ourselves:
“What would it take for me to remove a little numbness in my life today…if only for a few minutes, or for good?”
I have a feeling the change elements would be small things, not large, complicated, time consuming efforts of grandeur.
What small thing can make me a little less numb today; so much so that others would take notice of it. That taking notice might, just might case the spotlight off of us and onto Christ in their eyes today.
I’m going to work on that today. And then, I’ll do it all over again tomorrow. Join me for the ride!
April 6th, 2006 at 6:37 pm
This is a subject close to my heart. I wrestle with it in different forms on a regular basis. How can we embrace suffering when ourt circumstances are so blessed, evenw ith the personal losses we all experience? How can we prepare for suffering as a church when we cannot fathom or envision it? How can we maintain compassion when we are sensory overload from the 24 hour news cycle? No answers, just the questions and my struggle to be ready for whatever God brings…..
April 14th, 2006 at 11:43 am
[...] If you’ve got the time (yeah, right. I know.) read the short post, “Good and Numb” from this site. Quite a wake-up call. (FYI, I found this site through another blogger, welcometotheplanet.com, whose excerpts from the book/website will make you want to read it for yourself. Thanks, Dave!) [...]
April 20th, 2006 at 5:39 am
Thank you Dave for a wonderful website, I read about it in the Sunday Tribune. Living a life of numbness. I have only recently entered the here and now after an 18 year marriage that has ended in divorce and getting sober. I spent too many years striving for that suburban utopia and became numb to everything and everyone. It was only through the crisis of my husband leaving and getting sober that I began to feel and think again. Along with that I returned to the church in which I was brought up in and have found some peace. Like you I spent a lifetime avoiding feeling…sad, happy, angry or loving. Although feelings have returned over the past 11 months there are day that I long for that numbness but I know that to go back there is to die an emotional and spiritual death. So as my sister told me, when you have feelings tell them to come on in and have a seat. Feel them and then move through them. Today I embrace the feelings and the opportunity to be in the here and now.
April 20th, 2006 at 10:06 pm
I have lived a large portion of my life feeling numb. It was a way of life for me. A way to be able to manage my life at a very fast pace. And then I found a job that could sustain that numbness indefinitely. In fact it was required to do the job. you see, I became a nurse and worked in some of the worst and some of the best Chicago hospitals and suburbs, in the ER. I saw pain and suffering, trauma and death. I saw things you couldn’t see in the scariest movies, but I was addicted to it. The nurses and doctors laughed at things just to make it tolerable. It kept me from my own secret pain. But I moved on to the business world after 17 yrs. of ER nursing. I wanted to forget those things in the ER and just make more money. I stayed in the business world for about 6 years and after 3 downsizes took a break, or a breakdown. Ever hear of PTSD? Post traumatic stress disorder. Well I think it caught up with me and for 3 years I actually started to FEEL things inside of me. I had night mares every night. That’s what happens when you don’t let yourself feel anything. I meditated, prayed, went to church, read a lot of books, cleared out my house of “stuff”. By mistake I found a job in a Jr. High School in Darien as a classroom nurse for special Ed kids. I was only going to work there for one year until I found a better paying job. I have been working there close to 7 years now. I see agony, pain, despair, and denial every day I work. I let myself feel what the parents and children are going through I try to understand how horrible it must really be to have a child with a death sentence when they are born. I listen. I am grateful for each day I wake up and for what God has given me to enjoy. I no longer feel that I have to make more money, spend more money, need more recognition or work a better job. I feel my own saddness from the past. I sometimes cry for that girl I used to be and how badly I felt for my deaf child, a divorce, my mom dying young, a murder in my family. Things I could not control and bear to feel. I feel that I am where God wants me to be right now that I must be doing some good. When people say to me “who do you work for ?” I want to say “I work for God”, “he pays me well”. I sleep very well at night now.